gloomy day
Lately I feel like such a harried mom. A disheveled, muddled person in general, I guess. But it seems more detrimental now that I’m a mother. I know much of this feeling is surfacing because I’m totally running on fumes. I’ve barely slept the past three nights. But it’s also because I’m working full-time and feel conflicted - my situation in many ways is ideal. I’m temporarily working four days a week from home and I go in the office one day a week. I’m able to be home with my sweet boy and that is a gift that I treasure. We have a wonderful woman who is Van’s primary caretaker during work hours. I nurse him and interact in other ways, too, of course. There are also times during the work day when I am working and taking care of Van on my own. I have to be on the computer when his little voice and big eyes are vying for my attention. And I have to watch another woman stroll my baby to the park every day while I sit by the window, my fingers on the keyboard. Cue the guilt.
The other night Jef and I watched Brené Brown’s TED talks (there are two) the other night. Her words gave me quite a lot to think about. To me, vulnerability and shame (those are the topics of the talks) are prime reasons why blog posts like “Don’t Carpe Diem” go viral. Life and mommyhood are not all soft, fuzzy light and perfectly mismatched clothes (don’t get me wrong, that blog is fun to read). I know I’m not saying anything new here. I’m just having one of those days, one of those weeks, really, where I can’t muster the life with my baby is idyllic and here’s a great recipe to try! So I’m baring it all here and trying to find a reason to make it OK.
I’m pulled in a million different directions. Mom.Wife.Daughter.Friend.Employee.Employer.Blogger.Housekeeper.Co-op host.Analysand. My little baby isn’t feeling well – he just wants to nap on mama, but mama desperately needs the 20 minutes to fly through the house before a giant produce delivery and 20 people arrive, not wanting to enter a space of disarray. My big baby (aka my husband) isn’t feeling well and needs some TLC, too. Gotta dig deep in the reserves.
Today I felt irritated with Van as he sat on the floor and let loose big fat rolling tears while I ran around to assemble his diaper bag and collect my coat/keys/wallet/phone to get us out the door. Today I felt jealous of my best friend’s new super cute apartment with a second bedroom…oh someday we’ll be able to have guests stay over… Today I fear it’s all my fault that Van is a terrible sleeper and barely eats any solid food and is on the lightweight end of the spectrum. Today I was going to post a picture here of my crazy messy kitchen, but was too ashamed of the numerous Rue La La boxes littering the floor. Then I feel guilty about feeling down and out because my problems are so trivial compared to those of so many others.
Is it OK to admit this stuff? Brené Brown would say so. Much better to spill it than keep it sealed tight and let that shame fester.
This video just sprang to mind and feels relevant – something I watched years ago, before I even had a baby of my own. You should watch it if you haven’t already.
It’s such a good reminder. And it also helps to know that other parents have long days, too.
AMEN!!!! Perfect post for my pity party I was enjoying myself this morning. I am truly blessed and grateful……….and overwhelmed. Love your blog, such a cute idea! We have some beautiful ladies here in RIC for all those handsome men. Can’t wait to see you guys in a few weeks. Love, Sarah & LC
I feel you!!! A big reason you feel like this is because of lack of sleep, so don’t be hard on yourself. Leo was one of the worst sleepers I’ve heard of and is now sleeping through the night sometimes waking once. It’s a lot easier now to deal with it all. But I still snap at him daily as he destroys everything in our apartment…I need to learn patience. And I want to blog about this, but he of course won’t let me
P.S. I am a weepy mess after watching that video.
JACKIE, you are a good mother. All that stuff – housework, dust, laundry and dishes will all be there when you are 61 like me and long for all that. I welcome Colleen Jon and Will coming home and “living” in our house. Then they go back and we return to our sterile environment. Many years from now Van will never know that the house wasn’t quite as tidy as it could have been. He will remember how much you invested in him. I think Colleen could confirm.
Oh Jax, I’m laying in bed unable to sleep and just read this post. I know you need more sleep and you take on so much but when I look in at your life it is so impressive and meaningful. I know sometimes you have the right to doubt yourself and feel like you are drowning, as long as, at the end of the day (or week) you realize how magnificent you are.
I love you, your intellect, your wit and your enormous heart