One of my best girls, Erin, and I often talk about how to stay in touch with the people we were before we had our beloved boys, Van and Max. It’s not the staying out late and bar-hopping that we miss (ok, once in a while it is); it’s reading novels and having long, uninterrupted conversations with friends about anything and everything. Most days we feel lucky if we’ve gotten a shower and three decent meals on the table.

The other day, however, I had eight long hours all to myself. Granted, I was driving four hours each way to and from New Jersey, but still, it was time with which I was able to catch up on phone calls with friends (hands-free talking, of course) and listen to podcasts. I spent most of the time listening to the Simple Mom podcast and I’m inspired by what this totally not-simple mom has created – a whole network of information at our fingertips, shared by relatable moms, most of whom are also entrepreneurs. When I got home, I downloaded her e-book, One Bite at a Time: 52 Projects for Making Life Simpler. I’m a total sucker for products like this, but I can honestly tell I’ll gain a lot from this one.

I’ve already been inspired to streamline my daily to-do lists: in the evening, I make a list of ten things that I’d like to accomplish the next day, but choose three as the most important items. I’m happy if I complete those three items, which I did today. Three is an attainable number of obligations to conquer and then there are seven more items to work on if the opportunities arise. Today, those seven items will move on to tomorrow’s list, and that’s OK. I also made the time to take a leisurely hot bath tonight and that feels like a major accomplishment all on its own.

Life with little ones can be overwhelming, to say the least — days crash on top of one another, your feet sink into waterlogged sand, stuck in place. As I often say to Jef, it’s hard enough keeping up with the day-to-day stuff; the motivation for that long-term agenda is but a whisper as I fall into bed at night. There’s no doubt that the amazing changes you see in your children and the precious moments you share together are invaluable and the propulsion from those daily occurences is mighty powerful, but there’s also great satisfaction to be found in taking steps to move forward with your personal goals and dreams as well. I’d love to hear about the things you do just for you.

I changed into my pajamas in the living room tonight. ‘Had a whirlwind of a day – drove from my house in PA four hours north to Hoboken, NJ to work in the office and then turned around and drove back home. My yoga pants and long-sleeved tee were hanging over the laundry basket in the bathroom where I’d left them at 5:00 this morning so I grabbed them and stripped out of my black maternity dress, boots, and tights within the first five minutes of walking in the door. I saw my comfy slippers in the dining room and sighed “oh, yes” out loud to no one. I’m sure it’s partly because I’m five months pregnant and had just spent the last 16 hours driving/working/driving, but the sight of those fuzzy slippers prompted me to express gratitude for the comfort items that make the chilly winter nights not only bearable, but enjoyable.

(1) Comfy, warm slippers. I prefer the ones that cover your entire foot, not just a slip-on. My fantastic gift-giver of a husband, Jef, gave me L.L. Bean slippers very similar to these (I don’t see the exact ones on their site) for Christmas at least five years ago. I’ve definitely worn them almost every winter night since then and they’re still going strong!

(2) Tea. The next thing I did tonight after changing into comfy clothes? Made a steaming cup of ginger tea. I know people Love their coffee and some mornings I enjoy sipping it with the best of them, but there’s something so relaxing and comforting about tea. Personal favorites are Alvita Ginger Root and Yogi Chai Rooibois (also Fecundi Tea from Mountain Rose Herbs during pregnancy). Jef and I joke that we should have stock in Tension Tamer tea with how much he drinks it.

(3) Natural home remedies. What a doozy of a cold/flu season! I don’t remember ever knowing so many people who have gotten sick during the same two-week time period. To combat these nasty germs in our house, we break out the giant bottle of Bragg’s raw apple cider vinegar to mix with honey and water as a cure-all tonic, gargle nightly with warm salt water, and load up on chicken noodle soup (homemade stock is key). This Vietnamese chicken soup (Pho Ga) also kicks butt.  Next on my list is to concoct some elderberry syrup, which is widely recognized to have amazing flu-fighting properties.

(4) Fireplace. I know not everyone has access to this one, but in my life at this moment in time, I couldn’t compile this list without mentioning it. Jef builds a fire most nights in our family room and it is the epitome of cozy.

What are your winter essentials?

sunset in my new backyard

I know the whole New Year’s Resolution thing can be awfully trite, but I also believe there’s something appealing about ending one year and starting another by reflecting on what’s working in your life, and what’s not.

My natural tendency is to get crazy with list-making so instead I’m keeping my New Year’s intentions simple this year – more like broad notions that I can keep in the back of my mind and check in with from time to time.

1) Be less of a perfectionist. There are some things I just want to do, and I simply don’t have the time to worry about making them perfect. One example: this blog. Rather than sit and stress over every sentence and then worry about what people will think after I hit the publish button, I’m just going to bang it out,  put it out there, and then forget about it. It can be intimidating to divulge oneself on a platform like this, where anyone can judge. But I enjoy sharing here, so I’m sticking with the joy. Another thing is keeping an immaculate house – which of course is impossible. I just don’t want to let it stress me out so much. I aim to just do what I can and implement some strategies that will make it easier to stay on top of the day -to day domestic duties. Which leads me to…

2) Employ more rhythm and routine. I’m reading Beyond the Rainbow Bridge and I really took to the concept of adding more rituals to everyday life. It may sound counter-intuitive, but to me, there’s something freeing about having different chores assigned to different days of the week – such as Monday laundry day, Tuesday grocery shopping, etc. Otherwise I’m trying to do everything every day and end up feeling like I didn’t get enough accomplished. I am excited to add more structure and rhythm to the days and weeks, which I believe is beneficial for children as well.

3) Practice patience. This one doesn’t need much of an explanation. I just need to develop more of it, with everyone and everything in my life.

4) Eat healthier/cook more. This resolution travels with me from year to year, month to month, week to week, really. Don’t we all have this goal? Recently I’ve been cooking a ton from the new Smitten Kitchen Cookbook (I’ve been cooking from Deb’s blog for years) and have pretty much loved everything I’ve made – whole-wheat raspberry scones, almond date breakfast bars, big breakfast latkes, potato frittata with feta and scallions, cheddar swirl breakfast buns, broccoli slaw, tomato-glazed meatloaves (Christmas eve dinner), balsamic and beer-braised short ribs with parsnip puree (NYE dinner), salted brown butter crispy treats, gooey cinnamon squares, marbled pumpkin gingersnap tart, apple cider caramels, and coffee toffee. The book is full of flavorful meals and desserts – it’s like elevated home cooking. However, I definitely want to incorporate some healthier meals using a wide range of produce whole grains – and not as much white flour, sugar, and butter (don’t get me wrong, I am a butter lover and advocate). Some other cookbooks on my shelf that I plan to dive into this year: Good to the Grain, Cooking for the Love of the World, and a book I’m working on from the Gluten-Free Girl (pub date is April 2013).

Do I believe that the turning of a calendar page means I expect a new me to emerge? No. Do I believe that everyone does or should follow through with the resolutions they make on January 1? No. But as the word resolution means to “know one’s mind,” I’ll enthusiastically take the opportunity to be more conscious about who I am and the person I’m growing to be.

Another year gone by in a blink…some days (and nights) seemed to last forever, but when another January 1 rolls around, it’s always hard to believe that 365 full days have passed since the last one.

Thank you for hanging out with us as we tumbled through this past year  - it was such a joy to share pieces of our lives with you. We of course realize that falling off halfway through the year doesn’t make for happy readers, but we’re back to start anew and hope you’ll journey with us once again.

Some exciting news — Alyson, Jackie, and Rori are expecting babies #2 in a few short months! The three of us are due within a month of each other (April/May)…oh, this crazy life never fails to surprise and delight.

Along with some other things, we’ll have to update the photos of our sons in the header of this blog — it’s amazing to see how they’ve all grown since those shots were taken!

Here’s Van on our holiday card:

See you back here again soon,

Jackie

And though I know you’re fighting it
I can tell when you rub your eyes
You’re fading fast
Fading fast

Won’t you run come see St. Judy’s Comet
Roll across the skies
And leave a spray of diamonds
In its wake
I long to see St. Judy’s Comet
Sparkle in your eyes
When you awake

-Paul Simon, St. Judy’s Comet

Leo is going through a “moon” phase. He loves to point out the faded moon against the blue sky in daylight (since he is rarely out at night to see it in action). “Moooon!” he declares, like a ship captain catching sight of land. Sometimes my eyes aren’t sharp enough to see everything he sees. “No sweetie, that’s not the moon, that’s just…oh wait, it is the moon.” Doh, mom. His perceptiveness amazes me. His books are filled with moons, too: full and crescent, lurking on more pages than you ever knew. And his current favorite book? Goodnight Moon, of course. Had to read it at least 10 times last night. Goodnight nobody.

So we bought him a moon night light from IKEA, thinking it might comfort him when he woke up at night and give him an incentive to stay in his room. No such luck, though. Leo always wakes up crying, always has. And lately, he cries (read: screams) himself to sleep, even while being rocked lovingly with a bottle in his mom or dad’s arms. I am often wracked by guilt and frustration, wondering what is wrong, what can be done. I usually can’t stomach these emotions, so I have Paul hold him, and I distract myself with Facebook or the like until he’s finally settled. Another bedtime accomplished. But I still feel icky, sad that he has cried so much, and anxious about the uncertain night in front of us. I can’t unwind. Besides, by then it’s usually 10 pm or so and I need to sleep myself. Ick.

It’s always been so hard to make sense of these hellish (and I don’t use that word lightly) nights. Because during the day, occasional tantrum aside, Leo is very happy: sweet and affectionate, full of life and energy, hugs and kisses. This is such an awesome age because he’s starting to interact more with other children. He greets his cousin with a squeal and a hyper-excited “hiiiiii!” He marches right up to kids at the playground, looks them in the eye and speaks to them carefully (even if they clearly don’t understand him). I love listening to him babble on repetitively about the moon, airplanes, pasta, anything. Gosh, even thinking about him now, as I write this while I’m away from him, my heart aches a tiny bit. When I step out of our apartment, where I’ve left him for the day, everything suddenly feels empty and mechanical. Dare I say, he’s the sunshine of my life. And when he wakes up in the morning, kisses me and says sweetly , “hi mama!” I experience what can only be described as partial amnesia about the previous night’s antics.

I know that it is a universal experience for parents, even if the specific issues differ. Jekyll and Hyde, heaven and hell, night and day–all in the same 24 hours. Heck, all in the same hour.

Because the truth is that in motherhood, especially in new motherhood (can I still claim to be a newbie?), you become more immersed in this darker, more feminine side of life. The moon side, that is– in a world centered around the sunny, masculine side. The line between night and day becomes blurred. The moon, which Leo notices, is still visible in daylight. All of those wakings at night, lit by the moon and the stars! All of that struggle and need to embrace the changes and negative emotions. A subtler, less overtly ambitious daily routine. The necessity of letting go, and allowing the the tide to pull you in and out. And part of the secret to not going crazy is taking comfort in the moonlight, the beauty that shines through the darkest moments, because of those moments. Sure, having to rock my screaming toddler to sleep and hold him several times a night is stressful and exhausting, often bringing me to tears. But sometimes I realize…there I am, holding him, looking at his perfect face…his lips puckered like a rosebud, his slightly sweaty hair, smelling half like powder and half like wet dog, his chubby hand resting gently on my chest. Music playing softly in the background, fan spinning a rare breeze, low light casting the room aglow.

Leo may not take comfort in the moon yet, but I do.

Even when it’s plastic and designed in Sweden.

(or China?)

As I attempt to write this, I am interrupted as Leo wakes repeatedly in his room crying to be held by me. As soon as I pick him up, he passes out almost immediately, until I put him down in the crib, and well…now he’s finally sleeping soundly in my bed as I type this in the dark. Excuse any typos, I can’t see the keys…

Although we tend to measure our parenting transitions in years, I can help but feel that at some random point between Leo being 14 and 16 months old (present), we crossed over into a completely new and different phase of existence. The very essence of our lives together these days has changed.

It’s active, whereas before it was more reflective. Long gone are the days of spending time in thought, observing my child and deeply contemplating his beauty as he patters about. There is so much more doing going on than there is being or thinking. “Busy” only begins to describe it. There is the obvious running around, chasing him as he darts across the park, climbs up on the toilet seat or jumps off the toy box. There is the constant chatter and squealing and giggling and screaming. The randomness of it all: “Mama. Pool. Outside, Mama! Outside! AIRPLANE! POOL!” The wakefulness, of course (we are down to only one nap, which rarely lasts more than one hour). And with me going into the city to work about four afternoons a week, sometimes more, they scenery is more varied, the daily juggle more complex. The days fly by.

There’s also a lot more autonomy, versus the dependence I had become so used to. Surely my beginning a regular work schedule has added to this. At work, I often forget that I’m somebody’s mom. In that environment, I don’t feel much different than I did before having a kid. It’s weird, but it makes sense and I suppose it’s a healthy thing. And I get to do quite a bit of reading on my commute, which along with work itself seems to really engage the non-mom parts of my brain (currently reading Michael Lewis’  The Big Short, if you were curious. Highly recommended, even if high finance doesn’t exactly get you going. It will while you’re reading this). As a result of all this, I’m much more at ease with leaving Leo. It’s nice to check in with my other selves and get some breathing room amid all that activity. But I still miss Leo a lot a lot. All of the new independence sometimes feels like forcing yourself to go to the gym: You don’t really want to, and it is sometimes painful, but it also feels good and you’re ultimately glad you did it. Okay lame analogy, sorry.

I still don’t have a ton of time leftover to spend with Paul, but I’ve been thinking more and more about how remarkably well suited we are in every aspect, and letting him know it. We’re in a good place these days. I don’t often have much to say about our relationship, because it’s one of the simplest, most static parts of my life. And yet, it’s not totally boring. I really lucked out. I love that guy.

Along with activity and autonomy there is also a lot more acceptance gracing our lives. We still don’t get a lot of sleep. Oh well, guess we’ll be tired. Leo throws a tantrum, erm, maybe I’ll read my emails while he works it out. We’ve accepted the perpetually messy state of the apartment, and the fact that we rarely have a down moment anymore. It’s just a way of being. I try to treasure the fact that he won’t always be this little and this awesome. There’s no way to say that it gets easier, but I’m certain that you get better at dealing with it all.

Leo himself is still sweet, but also wackier and funnier by the day. We call affectionately call him “the fat man” because he likes to lounge in his high chair and stuff his face while looking extremely zoned out. Is that wrong of us? How can it be? We’re happy he’s a good eater, since we felt gypped on the sleep thing. He loves seafood, Thai and Korean food. Tilapia is the new Mum Mum, babies. Little man spent much of the past week causing trouble with his two-year-old cousin, headbanging to Bruno Mars and skinny-dipping in the family pool. He loves to meow at our cats and give them hugs and kisses. He is always making us crack up with his antics, and it brings us all closer in those moments.

So I guess what I’m trying to say, is that reflective, beautiful and intense babyhood has officially given way to active, joyful and wild toddlerhood. Exhibit A:

Write more soon…

Two years ago today I married the love of my life. Truly, Ryan has been the love of my entire life. I set down behind him in the 3rd grade and fell in love with the back of his sandy blonde head and tan little neck. I knew that our wedding would be one of the best times of my life but I never realized that moment I said my vows to him would be pure magic. As we stood there looking at each other the world around me stopped, time slowed and I was able to enjoy every second, every sound, every smell, every feeling. It was the day my life changed forever and my best friend and love became my life partner. Here is a little video a friend made as a wedding gift. Happy Anniversary my love!

xoxoxo-R

I most recently made this delicious cocktail in honor of our dear friend Jon’s birthday (he’s Colleen’s hubby). It’s a Pimm’s cup! But he likes to call it a Pimm Rose or Primrose or some other amusing name. Its main ingredient is Pimm’s No.1, an English herbal-y, fruity, intense-flavored liqueur that pairs beautifully with lemonade, ginger ale, or citrus soda and a medley of yummy garnishes. Below is the version I like best, though I wouldn’t turn any down. This is seriously a perfect summer cocktail. It’s different, refreshing, and not overly sweet. Plus the bottle makes your liquor cabinet look cool.

a sophisticated, satisfying drink - Pimm's cup

Pimm’s Cup

Serves 1, scale up to make a pitcher

1 ½ ounces Pimm’s No. 1
3 ounces Reed’s Original Ginger Brew
1 ½ ounces San Pellegrino Limonata
Ice
1 slice cucumber
1 thin slice lemon
1 small strawberry
A couple of mint leaves

Combine the Pimm’s, ginger beer, and sparkling lemonade in a glass. Add ice until the liquid comes almost to the rim of the glass. Add the cucumber, lemon, and strawberry. Use a straw to bash the fruit around a little bit. Add the mint, and serve immediately.

Next up, a Lillet champagne cocktail. I didn’t know what Lillet was until a couple of weeks ago, but I had read about it on some blogs and thought the bottle looked fancy and fun in an old-fashioned way so I picked one up to check it out. Turns out it’s a Bordeaux blend of wines mixed with citrus liquer. Yum. It has a fruity, flowery, powerful aroma and would be perfectly nice served by itself on ice with an orange slice. I took it a step further and added bubbly. Oh, and it’s pronounced Lill-ay; I know you knew that already, but I just didn’t want you to walk around pronouncing the ‘t’ like I did and feeling foolish afterwards. (I was also calling the show “Downtown Abbey” forever; no one corrected me!) This drink, as you may expect, is top-notch for a girls’ night, which is exactly how a few mamas of this blog recently enjoyed it – along with great conversation ’til 3am! We had a mama + baby sleepover, highly recommend it!

fancy and fun, Lillet Champagne cocktail

Lillet Champagne cocktail

Combine 1/2 cup Lillet with 3 ice cubes in a glass and fill the rest with chilled Champagne, and garnish the drink with fresh smooshed strawberries. Makes 1 drink.

P.S. Does anyone else always think of Pretty Woman when serving Champagne with strawberries?

Lastly, a fruity, tangy icy drink to serve on those hot hot days, of which we’ve had quite a few the past week! Jef and I made these two days in a row after we found a container of frozen lemonade concentrate rolling around in our freezer, left over from an early spring BBQ. No recipe needed, we just whizzed up a handful of frozen blueberries, a glug of lemonade concentrate, ice, water, and a ton of fresh mint in our blender. Sitting in our backyard on the new covered bench swing my handy husband put together, slurping these icy drinks, and watching our adorable baby boy play with our dog made the Memorial Day weekend the best one I’ve had to date. Simple, precious moments – we live for ‘em.

blueberry, lemon, and mint cooler -- summer in a glass!

-Khalil Gibran

Yesterday, for the very first time, I left my son in the care of complete strangers. I shlepped him up (in the pouring rain) to Times Square, to the Conde Nast building, and into the Bright Horizons daycare there.

It was immediately clear that Leo was in his element, exploring the toddler room toys and climbing up and down onto miniature chairs, smiling brightly at his caregivers and the other kids…and ignoring nearly all of my attempts to interact with him. I could just hear him thinking, “lady, give it a rest, I’m busy right now! See you later!” He wouldn’t even say bye to me as I quietly slipped out of the room.

Can’t say I was surprised. Leo is an independent spirit who has never exhibited any sort of stranger anxiety (yet, anyway). It did make my heart ache a little bit, to see him acting like such a big boy, not needing me. But I was mostly proud and relieved. In fact, I have since been thinking that I’d like to send him to a day care more than once a week if that’s ever financially possible (I have been working four half-days a week; my mom watches him twice, we will drop him at Paul’s company’s back-up daycare once, and he will have a babysitter the other day).

This marks a new perspective for me that has been evolving for some time now. I have to admit, there was a time when I thought that not being your child’s primary caregiver during the day, and using a daycare in particular, was a pitiable situation, even though I understood its necessity for many families. Those poor babies, left with strangers and a room full of germs all day, forced to share the attention with a bunch of other kids! How unnatural! I couldn’t imagine leaving him. This is the way the stay-at-home mom (or SAHM) sometimes thinks.

But the kids in daycare tell a different story. Many of them seem to thrive in such a structured, active, social environment. This is especially true after they reach the toddler stage, and for children with temperaments like Leo’s. And perhaps not being the center of attention so much is good for their character. As with other things (crying, sleep issues) parents often project their own feelings onto children.

Did I mention that last night (other than waking up once because of a poop) he slept like a rock? But I digress…

At least part of the the smug SAHM daycare aversion is cultural. I just finished reading Bringing Up Bebe, about the differences between French and American parenting styles. In France, parents are generally thrilled to send their young children off to day care (free, with impeccable standards including practically gourmet food service) and most French moms eventually go back to work without guilt. They obviously have the support to do so with paid maternity leave and all the free social programs, but there appears to be more to it. American moms may value attachment, but the French value autonomy. The French think it’s of utmost importance for parents to have a life of their own, and for children to have a life of their own.

But in some U.S. middle- or upper-middle-class mom circles, how involved you are with your child is a status symbol. And many take it to extremes. I may be American, but I still cringe whenever I see another mother bothering her child, who is clearly content to be playing by himself, in a desperate attempt to interact with him. Just leave him alone, I think, let him experience life on his own. But parenting in our culture is a pursuit plagued by this kind of constant, persistent anxiety about the parent-child “bond.” We all want to be loved, we all want attention. But we have to be careful to not put all of that pressure on our kids.

Of course, I’m not French, either. I still have trouble leaving Leo for overnights. At work, I miss my baby and look forward all day to the moment when I see him again. If I had a choice, I might still want to be home with him all the time (although I’m not positive of that, I also like having time to myself even if it’s at work). Only now, the difference is, I know he is fine without me. He’s more than fine. I want to be with him, not out of guilt or anxiety, but because I love being with him. And that’s a great feeling.